The Rules of Toilet Paper 2011

While sitting on the toilet, I've pondered many things.

One thing that bothers me is the amount of toilet people some people use. I swear, I've seen a girl wrap half a roll around her hand to wipe one time. Seriously, you don't need that much. Toilet paper should be rationed out. The government should literally monitor the amount of toilet paper the people use and tax people like crazy for over-usage. However, in the meantime, I have some simple rules for conserving toilet paper:

1) If it is the nasty fast-food restaurant paper-on-a-roll TP, you must wrap about 2 feet of paper down to a square of comfortable amounts to fit over your hand. The key here is, you want to fold it enough times to not rip during the wipe, but don't just crumple it. A little bit of order never hurt.

2) If it's 2 ply, you must understand there is 2 different types of 2 ply. There is the quilted and non-quilted. Quilted 2 ply is often found in America's residential bathrooms. By far, my favorite TP. Usually with this TP, two sheets folded over once will be good for a nice wipe. For the heavier leakages, 3 squares should be sufficient. Now people who work in office environments need to be careful to spot out the non-quilted 2 ply. Sometimes, this is tricky, because the manufacturers put little prints on the TP to almost make it look quilted. All them blue-collar guys (and gals) should use 3 or 4 squares, to avoid rippage, depending on the situation.

3) 3 ply sucks. Seriously, who uses 3 ply? What's next, grated TP? Wiping with 3 ply will cause cause rug burn and should be avoided at all costs.

4) 1 ply, the lesser known cousin of 2 ply, is sometimes found in peoples homes. Mostly in the homes of parents that don't want their children living at home anymore. (My parents stock quilted 2-ply, FYI) You're on your own with this one. What can I say, I can't do everything for all you people. You live and you learn, right?

5) The absolute worst TP ever? Cottonelle. This stuff has ridges in it that causes it to rip if you hold it one way and come unrolled if you hold it the other. Who designed this stuff? I don't know, but I hope he was awarded a lifetime supply of his crappy TP for doing it.